It really happened.

2004-06-09T22:08:00.000-07:00

MCFUN review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf).

Quotes:

"Do you want to kill yourself when it rains?"

"Do you want me to die?"

"Make up your mind! At first you're all :'I wants him to die', and then you're like 'No,I love you, I love you, have a free Big Mac'."

"I look like I'm seven, and she asked me for my number. I'm like 'What do you wanna play toys?'.

Andy brings up a hilarious topic in this video. I remember I was in grade 7, and there was this trashy girl, Cheryl. Cheryl was 12 years old, and liked to wear clothes with fringes all over them, and acid washed ANYTHING. Cheryl's boyfriend, however, was 17. His name was Dusty, and he drove a beat-up camaro and really enjoyed the song 'Rock You Like a Hurricane' and doing crank behind the
7-11.

Now, I'm not being a 'hatah', but what does a 17-year-old have in common with a 12-year-old? The dude had a beard, and Cheryl barely had pubes! See the South Park episode entitled "Cat Orgy" for a better look at the Cheryl/Dusty relationship. Gross!

I'd like to end this review with the nicest bit of hate-mail anyone has ever recieved:

From: hockeystar111

that kid that thinks the superbowl is gay should look at himself. why do u waste your time on him?
you must be really bored.

p.s. i don't normally do this, but do you want to go out sometime? i live in vancouver too, and u seem like a fun girl.

Creepy.

DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE HERE.

CHECK OUT ANDY PICTURES HERE.

E-MAIL ME - SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-05-23T01:33:00.000-07:00

ANDY AND C. VANVEER review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf).

Quotes:

"I like girls with sparkly vaginas, and I like little berries. I like boats, I like the sidewalk and I like the ocean."

"Slinkies are my favorite toy, they bring me lots of joy, they fuckin' do."

One time, I had a bookshelf that got infested with termites. At first, there was only a few termites, and I'd just throw them outside when I saw one. Then, one day, there was a ton of termites. I just gave up on throwing them out. I was like: "Alright termites, you tricky bastards, you win."

Termites are a lot like Christians. They multiply quickly, and sometimes, there's just no stopping them. In high school, I met this nice girl. I wasn't at school very often , so I really didn't know very many people, so I was pretty excited that this girl wanted to be my friend. She let me sit at her table at lunch, and asked me if I wanted to join a club. I went along after school, and sat in this circle with a bunch of harmless-looking kids. All of a sudden, this mousy girl was all like "I heard some girl had 'relations' out of wedlock, so I confronted her in the middle of gym class, and now everyone knows." The rest of the group agreed that this was the best thing to do.

It was at this time that I noticed the jesus-fish on the wall. Crap...Christians.

I was raised by severe athiests, so the idea of Christianity has always seemed pretty cracked-out to me. I decided to stick it out for a few more minutes.

They began discussing the teaching of evolution in science class. They were pissed, as evolution DIDN'T HAPPEN. It was at this point that I decided to speak up. The conversation went as so:

"Umm, Christians? What about all of the scientific evidence of evolution?"

"Well, science lies to you...There is only one true creator."

"What about prehistoric life?"

"Maybe you should read the bible. Humans were the first creatures on earth."

"So how do you explain all of the dinosaur remains that have been found?"

"Ummm..."

"Seriously, how do you explain all of the skeletons in the museums...Did they just put a bunch of dog skeletons together wrong?"

*Ba-Zing*

Sarah 1- Christians-0

It was at this time that they kind of chased me out. Christians can be surprisingly violent at times.

Andy should keep making these 'inspirational' videos, there's nothing that motivates me more than sparkly vaginas.

DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE HERE.

CHECK OUT ANDY PICTURES HERE.

E-MIAIL ME - SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-04-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

CRAZY MARCHING BAND review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf).

Quotes:

"You look like you feed birds with your dick, 'cause your dick is a bird feeder."

"You look like peanut butter came out your ear, and you got eight double chins, that would be a quantuplet chin."

"What do you want from my life? Huh? What do you want from my life?"

"Be my little playmate and touch my silky nipples, be my little playmate and touch my fat belly. Fat belly, where are you? I'm right beside you, I'll never leave you."

"I like to ride my bike, yes I do. I ride my bike down the street, how are you, and you, and you?"

"I bet you can't guess how old I am...Yep, you guessed it... 8."

"I work at an accounting firm in Manhattan. If they saw this, they'd probably fire me."

I hate parades. I mean, I really, really hate parades. They're full of little kids running head-first into your crotch, and assholes that push you around to try and get a better view of a float shaped like a cell-phone.
Fucking parades.

Marching bands also piss me off. I understand when they play marching band classics, like "She'll be Coming 'Round the Mountain", but when they start playing outdated "hip" music, such as a 2 Live Crew medley, it makes me feel really uneasy....

Band kids always seem really maladjusted. They just don't understand the world. I used to have a good friend, Joel, that was a bit insane. He used to go down to the river and get a bunch of slugs and wrap them up in wrapping paper. Then, he'd go into the band classroom and hand them out. He did this almost every week, and even after a month, the kids would STILL unwrap the packages. You'd think they'd get to a point where they just wouldn't open ANY package from Joel, but that never, ever happened...Strange.

DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE HERE.

CHECK OUT ANDY PICTURES HERE.

E-MIAIL ME - SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-04-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

BEST OF THE WORSTEST review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf)

Quotes:

(from an aborted video on Fruit Stripe gum):"Why this shit so whack? I need to buy ten packs.You know why? Cause when you chew that shit, it tastes like sour wax."

(from an aborted skit that sounds quite a bit like 'Shrinky Dink Manifesto'): " Play with some Play-Doh. Gonna play with Play-Doh and make avacados, I make moulded avacados. Gonna make moulded avacados, I'm gonna make a blue avacado, and I'm gonna make a green avacado. Green avacado's real, and the blue avacado's fake. Blue avacado's fake, because the real color of avacados is green. Green avacado's real because the real color of avacados is green. When I make them, I don't make them life-sized, because I only have 2 packs of Play-Dohs, and if you want to make the real avacados with 2 packs of Play-Dohs it's not enough to make a real-sized avacado."

(from another aborted video) 'My life is gone, just so you could put my meat in your cheek and swirl it around. Just so you could have a dinner, you could have got a 49-cent cheeseburger at McDonalds, but instead you killed me."

How do I explain my feelings for this video? Well, I made a little film of my own.

Check it out here.

Confused? Me too.

DISCUSS THIS POST HERE.

CHECK OUT ANDY PICS HERE.

E-MAIL ME--SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-03-27T23:02:00.000-08:00

CUPPY IS REALLY FUNNY review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf).

Quotes:

"Andy, Cuppy was really funny. It was one of the best ones so far, keep up the good work.- Brian Lynch"

You know, Cuppy is really funny.
Also, "Cuppy is Really Funny" is really funny.

Andy likes to pour mustard on his head. That's good... You should do what you like, 'cause it will make you a happy person.

My friend Aleisha told me a story about this cult that gives themselves daily coffee enemas. I was like "How do you give yourself a coffee enema?" Aleisha told me that you put some coffee in your ass, then you roll around on the carpet for a while... It cleans your body out. Then, I said "No, I mean, what kind of coffee do you use? Dark roast? Irish Cream? Espresso? Sumatra Blend?"
She didn't know, but then I realized: Hey, so long as it makes these dudes happy, it really doesn't matter what kind of coffee is in their asses.

Being happy is good.

DISCUSS THIS POST HERE.

CHECK OUT ANDY PICCIES HERE.

E-MAIL ME--SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-03-20T00:52:00.000-08:00

Aaron Carter's Box Blah Blah review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf)

Quotes:

"I'm so fuckin' glad to get rid of that piece of fuckin' shit-bag....That no-talented little piece of plastic ass-wrap. He's a fuckin' dick blow...Blow-dicker...I don't really know slang that well, 'cause I'm just a fuckin' box. Give me a break, people."

"...and he'd fuckin' sound just like that. Listen to me, I fuckin' lived with him for two years on the fuckin' shelf at Sam Goody. Why couldn't they put some fuckin' cool Ghost World shit in me? I was just a fuckin' random box with no coloring or label at the factory, and they stuck that talentless piece of fuck-cheese in me and I had to fuckin' live with him for two and a half fuckin' years. I was like 'Please fuckin' buy me already, buy me and take that mutherfucker out of me, take that mutherfucker out of me'. It was like I gave birth to the mutherfucker."

"If it was my choice, you'd have Britney Spears' naked boobies all around my box-piece, and the back side of me would be naked pictures of Angelina Jolie. That's right, that's my fuckin' wife. I'm gonna go out and meet that broad, and she's gonna marry me, even though I am a box. She'a a fuckin' weird chick, she'd be into that kind of shit. 'Hey, you ever made love to an Aaron Carter box? Yeah,I didn't fuckin' think so. Add that to the fuckin' notch on your belt-piece. Thank-ya.' ".

I'm not going to lie; I love this video. In fact, this video made me laugh so hard, I'm pretty sure it was made just for me. Was Andy thinking of me while making this video? No.....However, the cosmic forces that have been put on this earth that make sure I am laughing for at least 20% of my life have made sure that someone made something SO FUNNY that I would never get tired of it. I watch this video at least once a week, and laugh my ass off every time. When I am unable to watch it, I go into withdrawl. Believe it.

Here is a short list of some other things that I'm pretty sure were created purely for my enjoyment:

-Chocolate Twinkies
-That time I saw a guy fly-fishing in the park, and he accidentally hooked a kid.
-Christopher Walken
-Those dogs with the really short legs.
-Kirby games (nobody else likes them, but Nintendo still makes them. See? MY enjoyment.)
-www.x-entertainment.com
-Saved by the Bell and Family Matters reruns at 4AM (no one else is up at that time, but I needed something to entertain me. Thanks, TBS Superstation.)
-Spongebob Squarepants popsicles.
-Better Off Dead on DVD (thank you, god).
- The Kool-Aid Man (but why hasn't he busted through my wall yet? Maybe he's wating for my birthday.)

Okay, maybe other people like these things, too. Seriously, though, I don't want to live in a world without "Aaron Carter's Box Blah Blah".

DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE HERE.

CHECK OUT PICTURES HERE.

E-MAIL ME-- SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-03-18T20:14:00.000-08:00

Aaron Carter, Top Charter review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf)

Quotes:

"Here's my Aaron Carter doll, he sings, and he sits."

"I'm ready for action. I'm Aaron Carter doll and I can beat your G.I Joe up, I'm eight times bigger than your stupid green G.I Joe with the little plastic pool of plastic that goes in front of your feet."

"I'm smiling here, but here? *BAM* I'm angry and sexy. I'm only 12, but I'm sexy and angry."

Aaron Carter? That's some funny shit. I think Aaron carter has grown quite a bit in the past few years, and he probably has his own
"love doll" by now. I love celebrity dolls, they're nothin' but gooood times. Here, in no particular order, are some of the most hilarious celebrity dolls EVER (click for pics):

- Brooke Sheilds doll (really, they had this, I'm not even joking).
-Boy George doll. (Yes, yes, yes.)
-George Burns doll (Dear Santa...I'd like a teddy bear, an Easy-Bake oven, and a George Burns doll...)
-Erik Estrada doll (I wish I was making this up).
-Rosie O'Donnell doll (if I was a kid, this would scare the crap out of me...No, wait...It would STILL scare the crap out of me).
-Jerry Springer doll (I guess you need this doll if your Barbie is a cheating crack-whore).
-Captain and Tenille dolls (finally!)

Check out Andy's "Five for the Famous" interview here.

DISCUSS THIS POST HERE.

CHECK OUT PICS HERE.

E-MAIL ME- SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

One more time, a huge thanks to Amanda, Ben, and Mike for letting me use this pic.
If you lived in vancouver, I'd make you a nice dinner 'cause you're all so awesome. However, I'm poor, and I'm a really bad cook, so we'd probably be eating cream-of-microwave-popcorn-soup and twinkie/poptart sandwiches, so maybe I'm doing you a bigger favor by NOT inviting you for dinner. Thanks again.

2004-02-29T03:22:00.000-08:00

I'm still in the middle of my vacation, 'cause I'm moving by the beach, and haven't done any freelancing for a bit. I cancelled my DSL line, so I'm writing this from that little korean internet cafe on Davie and Thurlow, $0.40/hour...The cheapest in the city, guaranteed. One time I told the kid that works there that if I found a cafe with a lower price, he'd have to make out with me. I was hoping he would be happy about it, but he just looked scared. I don't really have time for a review (cause my $0.40 is worth so much to me, that's like 4 gummy coke-bottles at 7-11!). However, while I was at my freind Ian's house, I wrote this list of songs that had been rocking my world during my vacation.

Here are some songs that almost make me forget about my TV and DSL line (almost):

Scott Grooves-Mothership Reconnection (Daft Punk Remix)
Sometimes, when I’m listening to this song, I forget I’m a human, and begin to think that I’m a robot ninja. I lose control of my body, and end up robot dancing and kicking at stuff until a nice doctor gives me a good shot of morphine.

Cassius- The Sound of Violence (Reggae Rock Mix)
I’m not even going to try to get laid anymore. No more dating bullshit, no more “accidental” nipple slips, no more expensive escort fees. This song is so fucking orgasmic, I’m just gonna stay at home from now on and let it fuck me like crazaaaay. Really.

The Roots- Step into the Realm
Yes. Yes. Oh, god. Yes. I know this song’s a bit old, but I love it when I “re-discover” a song.

Rascalz/Barrington Levy/K-OS- Top of the World
If you’re not Canadian, you probably won’t know this one, but it rocks my world so much, I once got shaken baby syndrome from it….True story.

Souls of Mischief-93 til Infinity
This track gets better with age, I’m not even joking. Souls of Mischief have put out a ton of amazing songs, but this one is shockingly great. Each time I listen to it, it kinda stuns me for a minute, it’s really that great. Someone told me it’s still one of the top sellers on vinyl at BeatStreet on Robson. They probably weren’t even lying to me.

Ben Folds- The Secret Life of Morgan Davis
A song about a man that wants “a toothless bitch to blow him for a vial of crack”, all sung in a show-tune style. ‘Nuff said.

Discuss shit here.

Wait...There's more! Check out some pics here.

Keep watching Andy Milonakis' videos here.

I'll be back to write more reviews in about a week.

2004-02-22T02:59:00.000-08:00

Hey guys,

Just to let you know, I'm going away on a bit of a trip, and I won't be back for a week or two (depending on the levels in my bank account). I'll be able to recieve and reply to e-mails, but won't have time to update the site. I'll start up again when I get back, and I'm pretty excited, cause I'll be able to review my favorite Andy video of all time....Aaron Carter's Box Blah Blah (check it our @ angrynakedpat.com/network/icf)!!

In the meanwhile, keep on checking out angrynakedpat.com , and e-mail me if you need anything (sarahschickenandcake@hotmail.com).

I'm outta here, suckas!!

2004-02-21T01:32:00.000-08:00

PROFESSOR WEIRDENHEIMER #1 review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf).

Quotes:

"I'm gonna place a hole in the weird cheese, and put it through me spike in me head."

"It broke, and that's the end of the weird cheese spike-thrust."

"That's weird...Who does that? Me, cause I'm Dr. Weirdling."

"Weirdlings, weirdlings, weirdlings, these are my earrings."

American kids were lucky, they got all types of awesome science shows. What did we get in Canada? The Edison Twins. It was a show about a pale red-headed chick and her twin brother, who kinda looked like a gay brillo pad. There was also this fat kid that hung around a lot. They would solve science-based mysteries, and the police would usually give them a prize. However, this happened every week. Eventually, you'd think the police would just be like "okay, just quit school and join the fucking police force, you bastards. We're running out of prizes."

We also had a show called "Body Works", which was on in the morning, when normal children should be watching Sesame Street. The show was a provocative look inside of a human body, and I'm pretty sure all Canadian kids in the 80's watched when they followed a piece of food from a mouth out to the toilet....It was one of my defining childhood moments.

I wish I had grown up with Professor Weirdenheimer, I think I would've grown up with a healthier attitude about television scientists.

DISCUSS THIS POST HERE.

CHECK OUT ANDY PICS HERE (2 PAGES!).

E-MAIL ME------SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

MAKE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE ARCHIVES ON THE RIGHT...THERE'S SOME GOOOOOD STUFF!

2004-02-20T01:40:00.001-08:00

FAKE MEAT SNACKS review:

(by Andy Milonakis, avalable on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf).

Quotes:

"I don't mean to seem needy, but yo I need a meat snack, I need a meat snack right now, I don't need no crack, I'm addicted to meat snacks."

"I said bologna? Bologna, baloney. I said it's a silent 'g', just give me that fuckin' meat snack right now for two dollars."

"I bit that shit and I started to spit. I said 'yo, I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it cause the nigga is fakin. This shit ain't really real bologna, it's kinda made out of playdoh mixed with silly putty, silly putty, but it's kinda the same color as bologna. It's salty like bologna, but it's phony'. It didn't make me hungry, it made me sick. Yo, Billy is a dick."

The first time someone I knew got arrested was in 8th grade. This kid Andrew got caught stealing a huge box of Slim-Jims from the 7-11 down the street. Really, if you're going to get caught stealing something, it better be something worthwhile. Seriously. Nobody can eat 200 Slim-Jims. Not even that petite asian lady that always wins the competitive eating competitions (a side note: competitive eating is so awesome, I can barely handle it). Slim-Jims are made out of sawdust, chicken beaks, and paprika. After you eat about 3, your brain begins to turn into a Slim-Jim. It's true, I saw it on 20/20.

Good story, Andy.

Some of you may not know this, but Andy is in a music video. The song is called "Leaving", and it's by a group called "The Starting Line". Check it out here.
DISCUSS THIS POST HERE.

PICS? OH, YEAH, I'VE GOT TWO PAGES OF PICS HERE. BEAT THAT, ANSEL ADAMS.

E-MAIL ME ---SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-02-20T01:40:00.000-08:00

WILD UP INDIAN PUNANNY review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf)

I'm going to tell you something that you probably already know....Indian music is crazy fun! I used to have this friend, Shafina, and her family was east indian. She would always steal her dad's indian cds, and we would play them really loud at my house until the neighbours complained. The best type of indian music is Bhangra. It's where they take awesome songs, like Gin and Juice and Bust a Move, and put indian lyrics and sitars into the track. The community I grew up in had quite a few east indian people, so at school dances, they would always play lots of bhangra. Bhangra dancing is awesome, too. You can pretty much dance however you like, but it must involve lots of kicking, spinning around on one foot, and making "talk to the hand" gestures. Andy just prefers to draw to the music, which is a breathtakingly magnificent thing to do while listening to some indian music. That's the thing with bhangra, you can do whatever you want when listening to it but it better be something awesome, 'cause otherwise you'll just look like a poser.

DISCUSS THIS POST HERE.

CHECK OUT PICS OF ANDY HERE. (AND 2 NEW PHOTOS OF ME WITH MY HOMIES--THANKS KB!)

E-MAIL ME-------SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-02-18T02:00:00.000-08:00

A BEAUTIFUL STORY review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available at angrynakedpat.com/network/icf)

Yeeeeah boyeeeee!!! More puppets!

This video starts with some girls chatting in a parkade. They are speaking english, but a lot of it is very hard to understand 'cause they speak so gosh-darned fast and use a lot of slang(the group seems to understand each other, so I guess it's kinda a secret language). A lot of people would find this quite frustrating. Not me, though. Sometimes, I like to make friends with someone that is harder to understand, 'cause it's top quality entertainment. Here is an example of me interacting with one of my gibberish buddies:

Them: So, ghgkhh, trash? Tkpknhggf, yeah.
Me: Sorry, what was that?
Them: Bathtub gggoihgf. Heat, hbaidg.
Me: Sorry, I didn't hear you again.
Them (slowly): Hm, guigqiudhoi. Popilnasoufh.
Me (giving up, and just pretending to have heard them): Yeah, you can borrow it.
Them (clearly this time): I asked if you knew anything about herpes.

These friends don't last very long, as I eventually end up insulting them by accidentally responding really inapropriately to their questions that I didn't hear. In the end, though, it was totally worth it.

This truly was a beautiful story.

My favorite gibberish-talker of all time? Vanilla Ice in "tough mode".

DISCUSS THIS POST HERE.

CHECK OUT PICTURES OF ANDY HERE.

E-MAIL ME----SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-02-16T05:58:00.000-08:00

PUPPETS review:

(by Andy Milonakis, featuring Enzo Salierno available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf).

Quotes:

Andy- "I like to say a lot of curses, 'cause it makes me feel big, like a big real boy".

Andy-" I got a big puppety dick, you wanna see it? I rock to the beat, whoop whoop whoop, I got mad hoes, they're in my book. I got mad hoes, I got the look. Cause I look like Andy in puppet form, nigga gets more bitches than colorforms. That don't make no sense, does it? It don't really matter, it gon' pay the budget."

Enzo-"I got luscious lips, I like to kiss all the kids in the class. I go around one, pump 'em on the head, I go around two, and then I jump into bed. I got luscious lips."

So, when I was growing up, my parents were very open about sex. My sister and I had all sorts of crazy books, like the classic "Where Did I come From", and "What's Happening to Me?" books.

Most kids had some books like these lying around their house, but there was one thing that we had that other kids didn't: anatomically correct puppets. These puppets made my sister and I really, really popular with kids, but very, very unpopular with parents. Every time a new kid would come to our school, we'd bust out the puppets, and they'd instantly be our new friend. By the time I got to high school, the puppets no longer made me popular, just kinda creepy. However, in their glory days, the anatomically correct puppets were the height of hilarity...Puppets are awesome.

When I first saw Meet The Feebles, I was 10 and at a sleepover....It made me feel kinda weird, like when you're at a family reunion, and you see this guy, and you think he's kinda hot, but then you realize it's your second cousin.... Weird and uncomfortable.

"Puppets" didn't give me that sensation, it was just good times.

DISCUSS THIS POST HERE.

CHECK OUT ANDY PICTURES HERE (SORRY, NO PUPPETS....YET).

E-MAIL ME -----SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-02-15T01:58:00.000-08:00

ARE YOU STORMIN' NORMAN? review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf).

Quotes:

" I gotta do a Stormin' Norman show, because I feel like I'm him and people ask me if I'm him, and I am him."

" If you wear a eye-patch, instead of seeing double, you say 'Mmm'. With out the eye-patch...Look, look, look... 'Oh, my god, that girl is soooo pretty. She's such a pretty hitty hitty city, I wants to get with her. She's so pretty. Let me make sure by putting on my double sight eye patch. Whoops, I only see one of her now, she's the ugliest person I ever seen in my life. Good thing I spent $6.99, cause I can't stands the ugly girls. Oh my god, but what if there was two of her, and they were twins, but they were really hot....Aw, never mind, this thing works.' That was fun, right guys?"

"Now I'm starting to get my hopes up, I'm praying for a better tomorrow".

"It was mean, but it was funny!"

"Oh, I hope I pass this test, I hope I get into community college. I got five babies out there, and I got to support them, and I'm going wind up in jail soon, so what can I do? What can I do? I could buy the cheating pen for $6.99, and it will save me a whole lot of trouble. Say what? I didn't study. Yo, I was out drinking 40's, it don't matter."

Many of you may know about Stormin' Norman, however I think the less said about him, the better.... Andy takes an awesome swipe at him in this video, and it made me laugh so hard the first time I saw it that some Guinness came out of my nose (which really, really hurt, but kept my sinuses clear for weeks).

Sometimes Andy gets so high that he thinks he's actually Stormin' Norman...So instead of Andy's normal hilarious videos, he makes Stormin' Norman videos just like Stormin' Norman! Here is a list of stuff he brings to show 'n tell:

-A Can-Dom: a condom that you roll over your beer cans...Ooooh, that's comedy.
-A Double-Vision Eye Patch: to help you see clearly when drunk. Very impressive.
-Fart noise whistle: Very classy.
-Phony lottery tickets.
-Fit Shaced: a spin-the-wheel drinking game. Andy played this twice 'cause this was so much fun!
-Googly eyes glasses: a classic gag for total jackasses.
-Kooky glasses with a nose and moustache.
-A very thin bald cap: there's wackiness written all over this latex novelty.
-Cheater's Pen: a pen with a paper scroll inside for cheating on your court-ordered GED test at the Adult Learning Annex.

There used to be this store in this mall where I grew up. They sold novelties like these, a whole bunch of "kooky" stuff (the kind of stuff that would make an average person cringe, but make creepy mustache dudes laugh their asses off). When I was 14, some friends dared me to go in the store, rip open a pack of edible undies, and eat them in plain view of the clerk. Funny? I thought so, but the clerk banned me from the store for life.

Anyway, the moral of "Are You Stormin' Norman" is that Stormin' Norman sucks.

DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE HERE.

CHECK OUT ANDY PICS HERE.

E-MAIL ME -----SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-02-14T02:08:00.000-08:00

SUBURBAN PIMP review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf).

Quotes:

INTRO- "This is a play I wrote called 'Suburban Pimp', and it's about a guy named Jimmy Withers who moves from Upstate New York to Harlem, and uh, he gets some props, and a lot of people like him. He gets a nice crew of hookers, and you know,they're happy for him, cause, you know, he's nicer than some of the other pimps that were born and raised in Harlem. But, um, he has a little bit of trouble fitting in, you know, getting adjusted to the whole Harlem world."

JIMMY- "What is wrong with you, hoes? Don't make me bitch-slap you. I will...I will bitch-slap you."

JIMMY- "Chico, can I have a word with you? Yeah, you. Yeah, come over here. What? Did you tell...Did you tell my hoes that they were yours? No. Did you? They're my fucking bitches. They're my bitches. What the fuck do I have to do around here to get some fucking action?"

Poor Jimmy....A pimp's life is not an easy one, especially if you feel ostracized from your peers. His hoes are stealing his money, his fellow pimp, Chico, is stealing his hoes, and all he wants is a little respect! Jimmy can beat down his hoes just as good as any true Harlem pimp.

The first time I met a real pimp, I didn't realize it. Roy was this short philipino kid that was a grade ahead of me in high school. One day, I wore a mini skirt to school, cause it was really hot outside. Roy kept going "I like your look, call me." I though it was kinda strange, as we'd never talked before, but I just assumed he was nice. I told one of my friends, and she was like "You dumb motherfucker, he's a pimp". I didn't really believe her, but didn't ever call Roy, just in case.

The following year, a bunch of us started driving. Our favorite activity was to drive around downtown and taunt the hookers. We bought a megaphone and a giant flashlight. After a hooker was picked up, we would follow the car until it was parked, give it a few minutes, then go and shine the flashlight in the car and scream into the megaphone. Then, we would drive away as fast as we could. We did this quite often, and never got in any real trouble (just some jaded hookers screaming, and some dudes yelling after the car 'cause we wrecked his blowjob). However, one night, after driving away, we got what we deserved.

We were waiting at a red light, and all of a sudden, my friend Steve's back windshield was smashed in with a golf club. A familiar voice shouted out "leave my hoes alone, or I'll cut you".....It was my old pal Roy! He really was a pimp! Hilarious.

The saddest part about this play is that real suburban pimps deal with the same heartbreaking discrimination every single day. If you'd like to learn more about how you can help end pimp-bigotry, please contact your local library.

Andy's play was a true classic, and a total emotional rollercoaster. My heart goes out to Jimmy...
Pimpin' ain't easy.

YAK ABOUT ANDY HERE.

LOOK AT SOME PICS HERE.

E-MAIL ME ----SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-02-14T01:54:00.000-08:00

Mmmm, boy....I sure do love making cartoons!!!! Check out my latest creation here.

2004-02-13T00:20:00.001-08:00

CEREAL WEIRDOS review:

(by Andy Milonakis, featuring Enzo Salierno, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf).

Quotes:

Andy-"Boo Berry, blueberry....Get it?"

Andy- " I like Reese's Pieces cereal, cause makes me feel giddy inside."

Enzo-"Sometimes, when I'm mad low on sugar, I just pop a million Apple Jacks, I put them on the bench press."

I really like cereal mascots, but man, that Trix rabbit creeps me out....I used to have nightmares about him all the time. What really bothers me, though, is the cereal villains. Take for example, Cap'n Crunch's mortal foes, The Soggies. I think they were supposed to be made out of milk or something, but they came across as pure assholes. What did Cap'n Crunch ever do, besides making a cereal that was blindingly delicious, but also cut the roof of your mouth like crazy? Check out an article on the Soggies here.

As a Canadian child, I was soooo deprived of awesome cereals. Andy and Enzo love cereal....REALLY love cereal. This video leaves me feeling jolly and hungry.

DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE HERE.

CHECK OUT ANDY PICS HERE.

E-MAIL ME ---- SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-02-12T01:07:00.000-08:00

GREEK WHININ' review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf)

Quotes:

"I got three chins, I named them all Jim. Jim number one, Jim number two, Jim number three. Jim number three wants to be a G. He wants to be a rapper, it don't really matter."

" 'I want to be a actor', I said 'You can't cause you're just a chin, and you can't be a rapper like Jim number three, he keeps it real gully'."

Now, I'm not advocating alcohol abuse, but... My god, some people are sooo awesome when they're wasted.

Andy is obviously the greatest drunk of all time, except for maybe Orson Welles (who shot an awesome ad for booze when he was blitzed out of his mind). Check out the video here. Awww yeah....It may take a minute to load, but it's sooooo worth it ( it's the fourth one down, but I really recommend watching all of the videos on this page).

Sometimes, I have some friends come over for a get-together. I'm not a crazy drinker, but when I'm writing or working on a photo exhibit, I need some "inspiration". Thus, I always have tons of half-empties and partial six-packs around my house. About once a month, I invite a bunch of people over, and we drink all of my alcohol. If there's one true fact in this universe, it's that people will drink a ton of alcohol when it's free.

There's tons of kinds of drunks....There's a sad drunk, who weeps about long lost girlfriends that they no longer fuck. There's an angry drunk, who starts a whole bunch of fights, then passes out before they can follow through. There's a sentimental drunk, who spends the whole night going "remember when we did that", even if you've only known them for a couple of hours. There's also a happy drunk, who doesn't have a care in the world, 'cause they love you, and the sky is a beautiful shade of blue, and they beat the Wayne's World pinball game at the arcade one time.

Then, there's the awesome drunk. A true 'awesome drunk' is the kind of person that you secretly want to become an alcoholic, 'cause they're so much fun!!!!

I love it when Andy is wasted, cause he busts out the best rhymes, but I also like Andy when he's sober, so I'm not sure if he's a true awesome drunk. He's just a pretty awesome drunk.

Here's a picture of me last Friday, totally wasted. I'm a happy drunk, with a pinch of sentimental drunk.

DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE HERE.

CHECK OUT PICS OF ANDY HERE. (THERE'S 2 PAGES!)

E-MAIL ME---SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

This is a pic of me with some of my favorite drinking buddies of ALL TIME!!!!

There's Nicole (who taught me the phrase "jesus fuck", one of the greatest expressions of all time), Lisa (the best drinking partner ever!), me (poison of choice? Vooooooodka), Briony (who can take in a surprisingly large amount of tequila shots), KB (who, along with her 'awesome drunk' boyfriend, drinks alabama slammers like it's going out of style), and in the back, my kiwi homeboy Vaughn.

2004-02-10T23:51:00.000-08:00

FIRST FAT GUY TO DRINK A BOTTLE OF PERRIER WATER WHILE LISTENING TO JUNGLE MUSIC review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf)

Well, this video delivers what it promises, and I'm thankful for it....Believe it. You see, I've been promised many things in my life, but very few promises have actually delivered.....

I was eight years old the first time a promise left me disappointed. I had sent away $3 to a company that promised me a huge life-sized submarine. I got the order form out of the back of my Urkel comic. Four months later, I got a package in the mail. My life-sized submarine was actually a couple of whimsically-painted pieces of cardboard. Wow, I was crazy-disappointed. There was only one solution to this problem:
break into the Urkel comics office and set it on fire. My first failed promise gave me a few more firsts: my first trial and my first stay in juvenile hall.....Kidding....Although they TOTALLY deserved it. Anyway, in the end, I got a bit of vengance, as Urkel comics went under after 3 issues....Surely due to it's lack of honesty in advertising.

Another fantastic ICF.

DISCUSS THIS POST HERE.

CHECK OUT PICS OF ANDY (AND YOUR FAVORITE VENGEFUL COMIC-READER...ME!) HERE.

E-MAIL ME----SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-02-09T21:13:00.000-08:00

CUPPY review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf)

Quotes:

"People make fun of me because I only have one fake eye, and one eye that's made out of a cup."

"One time I took my cup-eye out, and I poured beer in it, and I drank out of my eye. I think that was cool. One person laughed....He was my dog, but he still laughed."

"I get drunk really fast because I'm in the 5th grade."

Michael Eisner is saaaaad. In a horrible thumb-wrestling accident, he lost both of his eyes. His mom bought him one nice $8000 fake eye, but couldn't afford a second one. Thus, his second eye was made of a cup, hence the nickname, Cuppy. Eisner's solution? Drinking beer.

In elementary school, there was this one kid named Jesse that lived at the trailer park by the highway. He was shockingly popular, as his parents let him drink beer on a regular basis. He also had a wicked-bad mullet with a rat tail (a daring combination of hair styles). He would bring a beer to school in his lunch, and all of the boys would go and sit in the recycling bins and share a beer between 15 of them. Then they would stumble back into class, pretending to be drunk. The best part? One day, after lunch, Justin, this small-ish kid, pretending to be drunk, threw a beer bottle at the teacher's desk, and it shattered everywhere. Everyone blamed it all on Jesse, as Justin was a pretty good kid. I haven't heard anything about Jesse since elementary school, but I sure do hope that he is now giving beer to his children....
Think of the entertainment value! Those are the kind of childhood memories I'll never forget, and I think that a whole new generation of children should get the chance to see a kid, thinking he's wasted, in a drunken rage.

This is the video that made me realize that Andy is a god. Awesome.

DISCUSS THIS POST HERE.

CHECK OUT PICTURES OF ANDY HERE.

E-MAIL ME----SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-02-07T23:12:00.000-08:00

BROOKLYN THUG review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf)

Quotes: (spoken by a TRUE thug)

"...Got my knife on me right now, it's all good, I'm still chillin'"

"You got this on camera...Show it to your mother, to your father, to whoever you want".

Andy's at the newstand, armed with his camera. He's chatting it up with the clerk when he comes in contact with a young ruffian, excited about a night out on the town. This darling hooligan is quite excited to get in a few minutes of internet fame. This is one thing I love about human nature....If there is a camera around, people will say or do anything....

Like, I heard this story last night about a friend-of-a-friend of mine, I guess she had answered this ad in the paper about an audition. Anyway, she got there, and they had a camera set up, so she fucked 5 guys in front of the camera. They gave her $20 bucks, and made her sign some forms. Then, like a month later, someone tells her that they downloaded a video of her while they were online. She was furious, and tried to sue the guys. See? Anything for a rolling camera....This is a fantastic story, and when you tell it to a group of drunken party-goers, it always causes crazy arguments. What did she think a bunch of dudes would do with footage of her in gang-bang action? Bury it in the yard?

Great video, Andy....I'm awfully glad that you carried your camera to the newstand to buy Snickers bars.

DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE HERE.

CHECK OUT PICS OF ANDY HERE.

E-MAIL ME----SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-02-07T22:47:00.000-08:00

ICE CREAM RAP:THE VIDEO review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf)

Quotes:

"Like a venomous snake, I spit venom a lot."

"I once had a ho drop to her knees in the bathroom of Wendy's."

"I like to drink goat head soup, I like to rhyme, and I like to shoot little goats in their head, then I drink their soup when they're dead".

Well, this is the video that started it all. Andy did this in conjunction with a photo comic for Brian Lynch on angrynakedpat.com. At the end, he busts out in this freestyle about a young, dead goat that gets to pick up chicks in heaven. I friggin' love goats. Every week, when I was a kid, my family would go out to this farm to get some eggs. There was this goat that lived there, and his name was Jody. Jody would chase after us and violently hump my sister and I....We always thought that was hilarious, but there was much more fun to be had on the farm... When you're a city kid, 'country hospitality' can seem a bit creepy. There was this old grandma on the farm that would always give us some buns to eat. My parents had always told us that we couldn't eat food from strangers, so we would never actually eat the buns. Instead, we would take them back into the city with us, stuff them full of compost, and put them in the food hamper for the homeless in the park. Farms are awesome...Yeah!

I'm so, so glad that Andy made this video....Where would I be without my daily dose of ICF???

DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE HERE.

CHECK OUT ANDY PICS HERE.

CONTACT ME---SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-02-06T01:06:00.000-08:00

INTERNET DORKTASTIC review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on andrynakedpat.com/network/icf)

Quotes:

"I don't know, cause she was married at first, but she was like 'I want you', and I was like 'BRB', but then she was like 'this is important, you can't say BRB, you can't go away, I gotta talk to you, you know.' and then I was like 'dude, BRB, I gotta go'."

"You're not mad at me, are you?...You're not? Cool. I know... I mean, I kicked you as a joke, and I was just like 'dude, fuck you', and you were like 'man, that's not cool'".

This video made me start to suspect that I just might be a dork. This prompted me to ask all of my friends and family if, in fact, I am a dork. Here's how most of those conversations went:

Me: Do you consider me a dork?
Them: (long pause)...Well, it's not that you're a complete dork....Umm....
Me: Oh, thanks..... Heeyyyy, wait a minute, what do you mean "a complete dork" ?

So, I might be a bit of a dork, but I'm really just the same as everyone else. Every morning, my alarm rings and I get out of my bed, put on my clothes, and have a nice bowl of cereal, just like a normal, average person. However, my alarm clock has a picture of Astro-Boy on it, my wardrobe is full of t-shirts with anime characters and nostalgic 80's references on them, and I eat an insane amount of lucky charms. I will spend hours trying to beat Mario Brothers 2 on my old-school nintendo, and am very proud of my wicked collection of Kung-fu movies. Holy fuck, I'm a square.

Andy is not a complete dork either. We get to see him chatting it up with his friend John, while IM-ing others on his computer. I guess he's pretty talented, cause I always have the hardest time doing both at once. He talks about his internet friends , his internet gal in Iowa , his internet movies, and the rest of his internet life.

By the way, does anyone remember the thrill of waiting for the Episode 2 trailer to arrive online? Andy obviously does....Wow.

DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE HERE.

SEE PICS OF ANDY HERE.

E-MAIL ME AT: SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM

2004-02-04T13:37:00.000-08:00

Holiday Shopping review:

(by Andy Milonakis, available on angrynakedpat.com/network/icf)

There really isn't any quotes from this video, as this is one of the rare videos where Andy doesn't speak.
Seriously, though, this video is good times, and nothin' but. Andy is shopping for the holidays, and is in a bookstore. His is suddenly overtaken by the holiday spirit. He can't hold back anymore, he's got to "feel" the music. What results is a minute and a half of deep, soulful movements to bookstore muzak.

Pure. Fucking. Comedy. Genius.

DISCUSS THIS POST HERE.

CHECK OUT PICTURES OF ANDY HERE.

E-MAIL ME - SARAHSCHICKENANDCAKE@HOTMAIL.COM